“I AM MIA! I am just that. A healthy, baby girl. Strong and smart. Bold and beautiful. Don’t define me. Don’t box me in. I am me, as you are you! Want me to relate to you by your weaknesses? No! So relate to me by my strengths! #dontmesswithme #miatubi”

This was my caption to an Instagram post when Mia was almost 10 months old, on July 22, 2017. I was knee deep in the mud. I couldn’t see what I was walking in, I didn’t know where to step and I didn’t know what would bite me next. I was still experiencing so much grief and frustration. To be honest, I was still pretty upset at God, questioning why this would be the path he’d choose for her life and obsessing over Mia’s future. Of course, she was a precious 10 month old with so much love… AND attitude! I just couldn’t see through the muck of the unknown, but the world saw that post.

I had so many people coming up to me saying things like my great aunt’s, first cousin’s, third boy has Down syndrome so I can relate to you. I saw her diagnosis as a weakness and I did not want people to associate her with weakness. I was in 100% momma bear mode trying to smash all the stereotypes and preconceived notions. It was me (and her) against the world. I was ready for war and attacking it with a smile. I was also walking around with what felt like thousands of pounds on my back and I couldn’t any longer. I finally took it to the one I knew could carry it, albeit after way too long.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,” Matthew 11:28-30.

Looking back years later, I can speak to two important lessons I learned along the way to the realization that I was living in fear:

#1 – Remember to BE PRESENT

I didn’t want to waste anymore time living in the future/the unknown. Two years ago, I was in Kenya for the third time. I was in the back seat of a safari-type jeep heading down an incredibly bumpy and dusty road on our way to camp for the night. There was so much dirt on my face that when I removed my sunglasses I had white circles around my eyes. We clearly had to drive with the windows open though because it was so hot inside the airconditioner-less (is that a word?) car. The hot wind outside was preferred to the stale hot in the car. I was lost in thought, blank stare out the window when Steve, our driver, said “Are you in Kenya?”. I responded immediately, “yes?!”, with a tone emphasizing my thought, what a strange question to ask. He went on to explain that he wasn’t asking if I was physically in Kenya (duh!), but rather was my mind in Kenya. Or simply, was I being present? I was in Africa, maybe for the last time, and I was nowhere to be found mentally. What was I missing by being somewhere else in my mind?

In the same way, I wasn’t being present with Mia’s milestones. I wasn’t being present enough to experience the joys of her life. I was missing what the Spirit had to teach me in my current circumstances because I was so busy preparing for what I thought was going to happen in the future. Like God didn’t have that under control! I needed to get out of the way so God could begin revealing His wisdom and power through Mia and her life He has prepared. When we know God and study His word, His wisdom is then revealed by the Spirit.

“But, as it is written, ‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him’ – these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God,” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10.

As God prompted Steve to ask, “Are you in Kenya?” to bring me back into focus, I believe he also used Mia to say, open your eyes to the beauty that is right in front of you!

#2 – Own the Weakness

I asked my kids, “what is weakness?” Here are some of the responses I got: “You can’t walk.” “You have no strength.” “You have to sit down.” “You have to stay in bed all day.” “You try to go down the stairs and you fall on your face.” And then my 11 year old, Israel said, “Isaac is weak in the water because he is afraid of sharks.” He’s weak because he is afraid!

There it was! My aversion to

weakness was rooted in fear.

Did you know the worldwide total for unprovoked shark attacks in 2019 was only 64? There’s like 8 billion people in this world! His fear comes from what could happen/ the unknown. I wrote in the post from 2017, “Want me to relate to you by your weaknesses? No! So relate to me by my strengths!” Instead of trusting God’s plan for Mia’s life, I felt I had to defend it. I was the one who feared Mia’s weaknesses the most and instead of owning them and my own weaknesses, I attacked everyone else’s.

Picture this with me. Two men running toward you – a man over nine feet tall, wearing a metal helmet and a 125 pound coat that looks like fish scales, plates on his legs and a spear slung on his back OR a young smiling boy, though handsome, but wearing a dress coming toward you! Which one are you more afraid of? Of course, I am talking about David and Goliath. David was weak up against the world’s standards. “You are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth,” 1 Samuel 17:33. Goliath was strong and scary. “They all ran from him in great fear,” 1 Samuel 17:24b. David was weak to the world, but he was nothing BUT. He took down the giant with no fear. “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied,” 1 Samuel 17:45. He loved the Lord and knew His power. David knew he was weaker physically than Goliath, but he owned it and went to the Lord with it. I had the confidence like David, but I kept failing. The difference was I had fear driving that confidence, David had God!

Now that I could finally name the fear, I searched for what the Bible says about it.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine,” Isaiah 43:1.

Two points to note here: #1 – God actually commands us not to fear. #2 – “Fear not” is used at least 80 times in the Bible! We obviously have a problem with fear and it can be sneaky – hiding under something else manifesting in our lives! I needed to replace that fear with something.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love,” 1 John 4:18.

I loved my Mia, but I hadn’t fallen in love with her diagnosis yet. I needed to fall in love with her completely! I started to learn what made her so special! Where there is an absence of love there is usually fear. Just look at what’s going on in the world. We were first afraid of Covid-19 so we stayed home. Then a more powerful fear reared up that brought us back out – the fear of racism and fear from white supremacists of losing power and position. Now this isn’t a political piece, but more pointing to the power of God and His LOVE.

I want my kids to see LOVE in me, not FEAR. I don’t want FEAR to take away my moments! I want my kids to see me owning my weaknesses and handing them over to God for his work to be displayed in me. What is better than having the power of God within us?!

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Friends, ignore my post from three years ago. Come to me in your weakness, relate to me through our weaknesses and let’s see the power of God explode through us! I have since been humbled by love and will continue to learn how to FEAR NOT for what Mia’s future (and mine) will be! Love you, all!