I have been in a huge funk lately. Two days ago, we were alerted of some pretty big schooling changes for our county schools and surrounding districts in response to the COVID numbers…I broke down. I had pulled my shoulder early this week from either ripping my cabinets off the wall in a moment of frustration and desire for minimalism or from trying to fix the walls I destroyed by do so and I could barely lift up my arm. I was in bed in pain, overwhelmed with all the decisions lately from our leaders and just feeling completely helpless and shitty for lack of words! Panic started setting in, I sat up so I could breathe better and counted to 10 to slow my breathing. I have been hearing just stay positive and it will all be fine, but at that moment everything came down like a ton of bricks sitting right on my chest. No positive words were going to knock those bricks off at that moment so I just gave in to the break down.
We have six kiddos in three different school zones, four different schools. Three need English as a second language (ESL) daily—not because they can’t speak English rather they don’t comprehend it well. I have one spicy, girly with a little something extra who requires speech therapy and in-classroom therapy. My sweet toe-headed, sun kissed boy won’t get to experience kindergarten like it should be with reading nooks, hands-on learning zones and the fun flexible seating in STEM class. Finally, my upcoming second grader who thrives on being the teacher’s pet and having success in school won’t come home everyday beaming because her teacher wore her clip all day for being “off the charts!” or that she finished on purple. Social interaction is so important for all of them at this stage in their lives, but for four…it’s imperative!
I have no energy to write, work on my kitchen I have ripped apart, talk to anyone or really do anything else. Monday morning, I remember being curled up on my wicker couch (that my mom just gave me) comfortable on the blue cushion, a crochet blanket over my legs (still freezing from the vent right above me, but not wanting to move), my cat snuggled tight to my chest and I was sobbing. There comes a moment when I always tell myself — ok you can lay here crying (which is totally good and helpful in moderation) or you can get up. Ladies! That is the hardest part — getting up! Each step after that gets easier. So I said a prayer and I got up. I walked three steps, opened my door into the downstairs living room and started moving furniture around to make it a school room.
I am here to tell you—it is ok to break down (not that my permission means much), but this is real life. You do not have to stay positive every hour of everyday. This sucks! YELL IT…but then get up and make your living room or kitchen table or bedroom a school area and move forward.
Break down, bow that head and then get up!
Cry it out, yell how it sucks, post on Facebook how sad you are, but then dry those eyes and GET UP!
Today, my sister and I were sitting outside on my swing down by the lake. She lives in England, but is in town for a month!! Definitely divine timing because I need her. We were sitting there as the kids were swinging from the trees and jumping in the nasty, dirty, filthy lake. I thought to myself, they are living life well! They may sometimes pitch a fit, kick and scream, but they are out here moments later having the time of their lives living as kids should be with not a care in the world. That is my prayer for all of us parents right now. Let’s pitch our fit, apologize to those we have hurt while doing so and let’s join hands and run into the dirty, filthy mess of water ahead!
I memorized these verses years ago with a Bible study group. I was reminded of them a couple days ago when Matt said, “today I am going to memorize James 1.” Such powerful words that roll off my tongue in just the right moments of need. Join me in re-memorizing or memorizing for the first time the following verses:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him,” James 1:1-12.
Love you all! We are in this together no matter which side we fall on.
Kristina, my heart aches for the woes you have been and are currently going through, but your words are an inspiration to the myriad of people who, as with you, are struggling with how our once beloved society, wherever that may be, has recently changed. It truly is mentally exhausting trying to keep up with all the changes that happen on a weekly, if not daily basis and the not knowing of what the immediate future holds for anyone, especially loved ones. But, your mantra of; Break Down, Bow that head, Then get up again, will give solace to those that need it most and show light where at this moment they only see the dark.
Thank you Kristina. My love to you and all your family.
Mike
I remember when we had to memorize those verses. ? Thinking of you and loving your blog.