The Ugly Stepmom

We hit the road today and kicked off our journey to Disney! What?! We won’t actually step foot in Disney for another 4 days, but we are on our way regardless. I know all of you are thinking, “Wait! She quit her job and they just adopted three more kids, how can they afford to go to Disney World?!” The answer is, we can’t, but my parents can! Well, I’m not positive of that either, but I do know they are taking us. One thing I know for certain, is they will move mountains to have their grandchildren experience the magic of Disney. If that means they continue working until age 90, that’s what they will do!

I grew up around Disney. I was told the stories. I watched the movies. And I went to Disney – OFTEN! I was born in Clearwater, Florida and we had season passes. My childhood memories largely consist of Disney and warm weather. We moved from Florida when I was eight, but my childhood came flooding back when I returned each year as a high school student for the National Championships. I believe my parents want the same for our kids no matter where we live in the world. Most of the things I remember of Disney are good, beautiful and fun. Therefore, we have to share this with our kids.

When you think of Disney, do you think of a princess or heroine, prince or hero and a villain? I do. I also see a theme of redemption in all Disney movies. My therapist (yes, we are close now that I have six children) told me recently studies show that great healing and relationships actually become stronger through the “I’m sorry” – through the recovery of a mistake. This explains why we all gravitate to redemption stories. To people who overcome a struggle, challenge or broken relationship to find great triumph and joy.

I love Cinderella. I remember hating the stepmom and thinking to myself, this isn’t for real. No one would treat their children this way. I would ask the question, how could someone harbor so much separation? Then I became an instant mom to three preteens/teens. To be honest, lately I have felt like the ugly (or wicked) stepmom. I have gained a bit of perspective and have actually started to sympathize with her. Adopting three kiddos is no joke! The idea of it is beautiful and what a redemption story it is! God’s intention for adoption is good, but it is hard. I have learned that instant connection is an unrealistic goal for most. We see the ugly these kids are living in and we want to be their hero. I put so much pressure on myself to do this right and perfect because I am a perfectionist, but my feelings aren’t keeping up! This isn’t a checklist or one time redemption story. This is a life-long commitment and journey. I can now relate to the stepmom. How do I love this stranger? How do I trust this child who keeps lying to me? I have children I have known and raised since their births. I have never wanted anything less than the best for them and now I have brought three more kiddos into their lives that threaten their future. I am their protector. What does a protector usually do when threatened? Actually, a first instinct is to retreat, find shelter and put up walls. But occasionally, we (those of us who lean fight) rush toward the threat. Anger is the fuel that drives the impulse to go toward a threat. I bet that stepmom was hurting and had no one to help her sort through these feelings and thoughts. She was alone and the sole protector. She was acting in anger toward this new person who she saw as a threat to her daughters.

Luckily, I have people around me (trained and loving) telling me this is normal to think these things and feel these things. I am allowed to remain here as long as I need in order to process and get to the other side of it. I need this time to properly process and ease into this too. The goal is to go through it and come out on my feet. I don’t have to act on the anger, but I am ok to feel it when things aren’t going perfect. I fail everyday. I am humbled everyday with my need to say, I’m sorry. I continue to remind myself that there is great relationship that can come out of all this pain through the recovery.

Disney is wonderful and amazing and gives us all the feels, but there is always more to all the pain and hurt. Redemption belongs to God alone. The title of hero belongs to Jesus. I don’t want that pressure and shouldn’t feel that pressure. It is not my weight to carry. Jesus has already carried it for me. I am free to make mistakes. Not everything is my fault and if it is, it is ok. There is room to say I’m sorry.

Cinderella’s ugly stepmom needed love herself. She felt the burden of everything she had to carry and turned that into anger instead of over to God. I will not make that same mistake. But, a great redemption story here could be Cinderella Part 2, The Healing of Mom and Daughter! Just throwing this out there, Disney!