Mornings around here are pretty crazy. We have two kids doing virtual school from home, three in-person and one in limbo after a decision to pull her out of preschool. One day last week, I woke up at 5am to go run with my group and when I returned home I felt ready to go for the day. On other days, I roll out of bed barely in time to help the kids put their shoes on only to push them out the door. They all have become very independent over the last year. With six kids, you pretty much fend for yourself. But this morning, I was up before everyone and was feeling quite productive.
I had just finished drying my hair and getting dressed during a break from helping the littles run down their morning checklist. I opened my bathroom door which leads directly to our downstairs living area, we have set up as a playroom, and walked out to see the oldest in her normal spot on the floor with her computer sitting on the coffee table. The two big kids start at 8:00am while the others walk out the door around 8:15. I was in a good mood, but something about seeing her slumped over on the floor, hood up with her chin resting on the coffee table gets to me every time! We set up a desk looking out the back window with a beautiful view of our lake, but she has made camp on the floor with her back to the window. I have given up fighting with her on things and this is one of them.
As I walk out, I hear her say, “yo”. I continue toward the stairs that lead upstairs and hear her say, “yo!” one more time a little louder (chin still resting on the table). I abruptly said, “Are you talking to your teacher??” She said yes. I continued with, “You do not speak to your teacher that way!” mumbling some more about how we are not gangsters and how she was being so disrespectful as I stomp up the stairs — later thinking I am sure her teacher heard all of that! I hear her interjecting, but I just kept walking until I felt a nudge (most likely from the Holy Spirit) to stop and just shut up for a moment long enough to process the encounter. I was halfway up the stairs when I realized she has Spanish class 1st period! I slapped myself in the head and backtracked a few steps, lowered my head down and asked, “Are you in Spanish class?” She nodded and I continued by asking, “were you saying Yo?” which obviously means “I” in Spanish. She nodded again, but at this point she was already feeling dejected and maybe even a bit afraid I might yell again. I immediately apologized and after going upstairs, I turned around walked back down again to apologize another time saying,”can you forgive me?” Matt of course got a huge kick out of it and yes it would have been funny if this was a once off moment of me yelling at her, but it wasn’t. I catch myself doing things like this often these days (to my credit I usually get things right just handle them wrong). This time I knew just how awful I made her feel.
Y’all that was a very low moment for me. My patience is shot. I have no energy to deal with things anymore and I frankly at times don’t care how I sound in the moment when I just spout off like that. I often think, can I ever come back from being so hurtful? Times are hard for me. I know there are others in the world suffering way more than me, but I am struggling. It’s been a lot learning how to parent teenagers and all the other things that have surfaced this past year.
So what’s my encouragement today? I don’t really know, but I am sitting here writing this looking out my back window at the snow that made it through the night and thinking that our God is good and makes things so beautiful. During my morning reading today, I read something that said God has good purposes for today and, “God doesn’t promise our current hard season or transition will end the way we want it to, but he does promise he’ll be with us all the way through it,”— Risen Motherhood.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me,” Psalm 23:4.
I have memorized this over and over again throughout my adulthood and try to call on it whenever life gets too dark to see. A psalm of David reads a chapter earlier in Psalm 22:1 words prophetical of our Lord Jesus Christ,
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
These words bring me comfort in knowing Jesus too was uncomfortable and at times filled with feelings of despair and loneliness. Friends, it’s ok to cry out sometimes.
To quote a past blog I wrote, “Studies show that great healing and relationships actually become stronger through the I’m sorry — through the recovery of a mistake.” Grace has been given to us and grace we shall give (even to ourselves!).
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:7-8
Love you, friends! Remember to stop long enough to feel that nudge from our Father today.
