On my dark days, all I need to hear is, “It’s gonna be OK!” Let me be not ok, because that’s ok. I can be not ok, so don’t try to fix me. Just remind me, that eventually it will be ok again. OK…got it?! Let me try to explain…
It is so awesome to see God working in the small details. Yesterday, was a great day for me. It was the first day all 6 kids were in school! I had time to myself. I had time to work. The weather was beautiful and my heart was open and ready to receive teaching. I was listening to my Spotify worship station in the car and thinking, artist like Tasha Layton and Lauren Daigle are so brave! Yes, I realize songs aren’t always reality, but many artists share their life stories through them. I heard God saying to me, if they can open up through song, you can open up through your written words. I responded, “I have!” Honestly though, thinking about it, I haven’t really. I have just scratched the surface. I know it is hard to write songs about your own struggles, but there seems to be a sense of anonymity or a curtain to hide behind when singing – is this song really about what the artist is going through or are they singing about someone else’s battle? If I write something on my blog, you guys will know it’s about me because I am writing it on my personal blog. It just feels so bare.
After my really good day yesterday, last night I started to feel run down again and that mixed with a couple glasses of wine made me flip my lid (as my therapist says). I got mad at Matt for doing his fantasy football draft (which he so graciously let me do uninterrupted the night before). I had our kindergartener who is still adjusting to an everyday schedule screaming his head off upstairs in his room because I was trying to help with his homework and god, forbid I asked him to count oranges!! He threw the orange and ran to his room! My first reaction is usually anger and then I began to cower as the stress and anxiety rise up. Last night was no different and I still had to get the other kids in bed! This morning, I woke up feeling about the same. I had no energy, I didn’t want to do anything and I didn’t really care if I stunk because I was not taking a shower! This morning, if God tried to speak to me, I wouldn’t have heard. Thankfully, He spoke very clearly to me yesterday afternoon and being fresh on my mind, I easily recalled the lesson He taught me. That lesson was It’s gonna be ok and thankfully because of that, my day has taken a turn for the better.
From the outside or from the social media lens, you may see me and my family and think wow she has it all together. Let me tell you something, I do not! There are days I just want to curl up under the sheets and have zero responsibilities (of course I am not taking pictures on those days because I am escaping under my sheets!). I want to hide from everything and everyone. Matt, being an awesome husband, will ask what he can do or how he can make this day better for me? He gets frustrated with me sometimes when I get frustrated at those questions. BUT, GUYS! I have no idea how to answer them. I don’t know what will make me feel better and I really don’t care to try. Those days just feel like a never-ending, mundane cycle of pointlessness. I wake up, I get the kids out the door, I clean the house, I get the kids home, they mess up the house, I clean up the house again and then I go to bed. I think to myself, tomorrow I will wake up and do it all over again. Why am I doing this?! I am doing nothing productive with my life! I am sure there are other stay-at-home moms nodding their heads while reading this. We know that our houses may stay clean for a maximum of two hours just long enough for the kids to come running in, sling their backpacks, run out of their shoes and socks to start jumping on the couch. No matter how many times we go through the steps of their after school duties, they forget EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I am tired and I CAN get stuck in that rut everyday if I succumb to it and don’t seek outside help. Friends, I was tired before bringing three more kids home. It wasn’t like, oh look how awesome our lives are, let’s just make it more awesome by adding more people. No, we had struggles before and we have struggles now. I sometimes even forget the reason we pursued adoption in the first place. I forget their lives have been inundated with trauma and that through the good and bad God called us into this life. All I think is how many hours until they are in bed. Really, guys?! Of course, I don’t want to live my days like this, but when you are in the dark it’s really hard to find a way out if the light isn’t close. THERE IS GOOD NEWS, though! How do I know it’s gonna be ok?! Because, I have a light that goes with me everywhere; therefore, I don’t need to be afraid of the dark.
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
On good days, I need to study, memorize and learn His teachings. Here are some verses that have helped me out of the dark times and maybe can help you too.
Ephesians 5:16
“Making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
Guys, I know on those bad days it is really hard to reach out for help. I get that verses like above make all the sense on those good days, but on those bad days they are easy to dismiss. I have learned this is why I need to discipline myself in reading the bible and focusing on growing my personal relationship with Christ. I need to imprint His words in my heart and mind so when those dark days roll around, His words are right there to lead me. In doing so, thankfully I won’t need to go searching deep because honestly, if it’s too hard to find light on those bad days, I am just going to give up.
Yesterday, I heard the song by Tasha Layton, Into the Sea (It’s Gonna Be OK). One of the lines says,
“And if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed you too but you would not forsake me ’cause only good things come from you.”
If I believe and trust that only good things come from God and I believe this adoption came from Him, my kids came from Him, my season of joblessness came from Him… then it is all good and it’s gonna be ok! My first step was to acknowledge I needed help. My heart is the heart of a sinner. My mind is the mind of a sinner. Times when I just want to give up and not go through with finalizing this adoption, I need to recognize that is coming from the heart of a sinner. Times when I want to scream what is wrong with you?!! That is coming from the mind of a sinner.
I won’t leave you here today BECAUSE there is more good news!! God sent is son Jesus to save me, to save you and to save all of us. I am ultimately good because I have the Holy Spirit within me. Those bad thoughts are the enemy trying to block out the light that is within me and I have to trust that God is still there with me even on those bad days. I am His, sinner and all. That’s GRACE friends and it is available for you too! Just remember…HE’s THERE and YOU WILL BE OK!
LOVE YOU GUYS, Kristina.
